As if I could continually write this evening. As if I could continually feel these feelings (not just specifics). I jump at the dings of my technological outlets, as to what they will send and bestow upon my evening. I fear I should not be living in this way. I shan’t. I shall not fear, of course. I’ve become this ball of confusion, but I’ve become stronger in the desert. To make a list of my accomplishments over the past year is quite overwhelming, if I dare say. I shall not grasp them but acknowledge they are there. I will embrace them. Accomplishments through the struggle. Maybe I’ll just address my thoughts the order they come in. Who needs order? Not I. At times.
I am insecure in the fact that I left my dog with my roommate for the past two evenings, fearing she thinks ill of me for doing so.
I am exhausted by the amount of talking I’ve been doing and the lack of thought I have put in towards the topic, when it should be to the One who I don’t get exhausted with (or do but does not cease to pursue). But I am thankful for the women in my life, oh, they are so honest. I yearn for more honesty. Please, tell me my weaknesses, I want to know what you think of me. And not necessarily to fix them or feel they need to be fixed but so I can…I had to let the dogs out. So, I can be pushed outside of my comfort zone, so I can deal in confrontation. So, I can be real and honest with the ones I love. So, I can push those around me.
Why does my stomach turn when I’m alone now? Wow, it’s uncomfortable. I used to be good at alone. Alone in the sense of literally being alone in my home or in my car. I know I’m not alone. So, thanks selfishness for putting me in the position because I clung on to this addiction of fulfillment. Thank you me for being a masochist and knowing that which I should not do or feed. Thank you for showing me that I don’t need you but desire you but shouldn’t. You think this is about you but it’s not. Communication has ceased from the daily talks to the “how are you(s)?” and “I miss you(s)” This is the season I am in and I’m proud of it. So January 20th hurry up so I can mark you off my semester list and continue on to France to journey through the plan my Lord has for me, His child. Because He only knows what things I’ll be working on then.
