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Welp, It’s March.

Alex — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 06:29:05 +0000

And I am here to say, “Hi, long lost wordpress.” I’m pretty sure I have had more time than most to write in this so called blog, but the lack of integrity to do so. Or my own laziness, really, has caused me not to.

So, I’ve paid 2 payments towards France, pretty sure I have never written checks that large before. 1 more to go and a plane ticket to purchase and I’m off. The closer I get the more I want to stay, even before my arrival or greeting with the strange and ominous land we like to call Europe. Although my French teacher keeps saying, “Alex, wake up,” I fear my daydreams are taking over and a more diligent and disciplined mind is being called into play. Sooner rather than later, please.

My days are very laid out for me, mostly the same every week, classes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, with a dog, Posie, who patiently awaits my arrival for a walk in the afternoons. Then work Tuesday and Thursdays. I have begun to favor naps, which is something that isn’t necessarily a good thing. Hence, my laziness, but the weather is changing and lightening my mood with the breeze coming through the windows. Also allowing bike rides to school and anywhere else I please. No more rain boots, even though I enjoy the rain just as much. Learning how to make coffee correctly and having a fire pit in the backyard has successfully captured me in my own home causing lack of adventuring out into the Denton world, but honestly I’m not complaining. I have come back to my roots and I like it. Being dormant is something I enjoy, but only when I’m called to do so. This is my time.

Filed under: Uncategorized

I feel!

Alex — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:41:29 +0000

As if I could continually write this evening. As if I could continually feel these feelings (not just specifics). I jump at the dings of my technological outlets, as to what they will send and bestow upon my evening. I fear I should not be living in this way. I shan’t. I shall not fear, of course. I’ve become this ball of confusion, but I’ve become stronger in the desert. To make a list of my accomplishments over the past year is quite overwhelming, if I dare say. I shall not grasp them but acknowledge they are there. I will embrace them. Accomplishments through the struggle. Maybe I’ll just address my thoughts the order they come in. Who needs order? Not I. At times.

I am insecure in the fact that I left my dog with my roommate for the past two evenings, fearing she thinks ill of me for doing so.

I am exhausted by the amount of talking I’ve been doing and the lack of thought I have put in towards the topic, when it should be to the One who I don’t get exhausted with (or do but does not cease to pursue). But I am thankful for the women in my life, oh, they are so honest. I yearn for more honesty. Please, tell me my weaknesses, I want to know what you think of me. And not necessarily to fix them or feel they need to be fixed but so I can…I had to let the dogs out. So, I can be pushed outside of my comfort zone, so I can deal in confrontation. So, I can be real and honest with the ones I love. So, I can push those around me.

Why does my stomach turn when I’m alone now? Wow, it’s uncomfortable. I used to be good at alone. Alone in the sense of literally being alone in my home or in my car. I know I’m not alone. So, thanks selfishness for putting me in the position because I clung on to this addiction of fulfillment. Thank you me for being a masochist and knowing that which I should not do or feed. Thank you for showing me that I don’t need you but desire you but shouldn’t. You think this is about you but it’s not. Communication has ceased from the daily talks to the “how are you(s)?” and “I miss you(s)” This is the season I am in and I’m proud of it. So January 20th hurry up so I can mark you off my semester list and continue on to France to journey through the plan my Lord has for me, His child. Because He only knows what things I’ll be working on then.

Posted in comforted, Family, I I I, Knowing, Seasons

Align my heart, my body, my mind

Alex — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 01:27:19 +0000

I am jealous of a taken time.

I am anxious of something I shouldn’t.

I lack the diligence I need.

I need to say my “yes’s” and mean “yes”

I struggle just as much as you.

Posted in comforted, frustration, Seasons

oh, well, hiiii!

Alex — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 06:19:20 +0000

So, it is now safe to say that the semester is over. HAL.LE.LU.JAH. I’m not sure I made it out alive…oh, I know. The Lord. 15 more hours down. Pretty sure that will never happen again considering I’m in my final classes (even though I now have 3 semesters left instead of two) BUT it will be okay, and I’ll live. This semester was super good but next semester 12 hours will be more manageable, even though I’m tempted to busy myself again. I noticed though, busying myself has become a habit and there were some reasonings behind it. The Lord has been by my side the whole time even though I’ve sort of pushed Him aside in my “I’m too busy” or “too tired(s)” this is not acceptable, I know. I feel sometimes as humans we tend to tell ourselves we can do it on our own, which in turn leaves our hearts empty and Spirit dry, this is how I have felt the last couple of weeks of school. In regrets of my actions and wall I have put up, I can not do these daily struggles or daily life on my own. I am a very independent person and it sometimes gets to my head. Through Step Studies I’ve learned how I deal with things and that is by not dealing with them. Because I am passive and NOT confrontational I just push things to the back and distract myself. I’m not being hard on myself, I just know what my struggles are and I’m learning to deal with them and to be confrontational. And honestly, as odd as it may be, my major has taught me a lot in confrontation and also specific people in my life have pushed me to my limits to be that and that it is completely alright to be open and opinionative. These things are wonderful.

For these friends I am thankful.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and the first week of being out of school has gone by super slow and I am sooooo glad for that. I will be going to my aunts (Mom’s family) to the far away (not far at all) land of Kennedale where we will be attending church in downtown Fort Worth as we have done every year since I was a wee one. Waking up Christmas day to trek back to North Texas to see my Dad’s family in Frisco. Then off to Kendra’s grandparents to spend the evening with them. And then another Christmas dinner on Sunday. Needless to say, I won’t be able to eat for weeks. I so look forward to this time with family and can not wait to celebrate the One whom I love and is Love.

Merry Christmas!!

Posted in I I I

Methodologies

Alex — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:41:39 +0000

So, it seems that I’ve come to discover in one of my classes the high “unconscious” idea of being bred into snobbery. This iff’s me, and annoys me to say the least. Although I love my major I feel it’s just a bunch of big words sometimes. I try to be simple and this is nothing but the opposite. Simplicity is something I really enjoy. I am learning about the latter of methods used to critique and approach art through Marxism, Feminism, Psychoanalysis, Postcolonialism (in which I did a 2 hour presentation on and still don’t know what I talked about), Formalism, Queer Theory, and Collecting/Consumer/Critiques. I’m not going to lie and I’m sure for most this is true, but I had no knowledge about more than half of these. But being honest again, my favorites are Marxism and Sigmund Freud who comes from Psychoanalysis.

Now, the question really is…and continues to be, where will The path lead me through this major?

I wonder, vigorously.

Posted in Uncategorized

emotion(s)/lacking in Trust

Alex — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:08:35 +0000

I’ve come to realize my impulsive emotions in using this realm of communication being wordpress. How I lack so many things as a woman and strive to be more confident in the Most Confident and wise in times of crisis or no crisis. But I persist on a habit that isn’t my true calling, an impulsiveness of bitterness and hurt. But alas!! Those things are behind me, they’ll probably poke their unwanted heads out in my low points but I will curse them and keep moving forward because He has so much more for me. Also, this isn’t a cry for a pat on the back. To say, “Congratulations! You’ve finally realized!”, it’s just a realization and I need no one to recognize my faults and/or accomplishments, the Lord will congratulate me on those things. I will confide in the One I love. Woe to my heart for you are so deceitful at times. But then again, true to some.

Posted in Uncategorized

Augustine

Alex — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 06:02:20 +0000

“I was astonished that altough I now love you…I did not persist in enjoyment of my God. Your beauty drew me to you, but soon I was dragged away from you by my own weight and in dismay I plunged again into the things of this world…as though I had sensed the fragrance of the fare but was not yet able to eat it.”

As a follower I seem to distance myself without noticing or meaning too. This is my struggle. I am lacking and always will be but by the Grace of my Lord I am saved and ever so Thankful. I can not wait to be One with my True Love.
To not feel unworthy. To not feel helpless. To not feel a failure. I struggle from my own selfishness and from the want of the things that don’t fill me. Although I pray against them almost everyday they still tempt me. I loathe distraction and the things under the sun.

You are steadfast and forever faithful.

Posted in Uncategorized

Grammaire des arts de dessin

Alex — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:43:11 +0000

“Le dessin est le sexe masculin de l’art; la couleur en est le sexe féminin…L’union du dessin et de la couleur est nécessaire pour engendrer le peinture, comme l’union de l’homme et de la femme pour engendrer l’humanité; mais il faut que le dessin conserver sa prépondéronance sur la couleur. S’il en est autrement, la peinture court à sa ruine; elle sere perdue par la couleur comme l’humanité fut perdue par Eve.”

-Charles Blanc

Posted in École, Français

me oh my.

Alex — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 19:55:24 +0000

That residence is foreign to me.

As is a lot of other things. As of right now.

Posted in frustration

Alfred H. Barr

Alex — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 03:02:41 +0000

Posted in École, Methods, Modernism